(In case you missed “Heartbreak Olympics”, click here:
Sitting across from the latest simpleton trying to
win my love, my thoughts stray to you. After the
first few minutes with this one, i know he won’t
be getting anywhere close to my heart. Then
again, who has, or at least, when last did that happen? I laugh to myself, forgetting for a
minute that i’m having dinner with Jide (or whatever his name is). He has been speaking for a
while, but I don’t get so bothered as to pay attention to lines that used to work five years ago .
I pick up my phone
and ping you, watching as the check sign turns
green, showing that you’ve read the message. As the
minutes race by, my mood turns sour and I grow
even more intolerant of the mark sitted at the
table opposite me. Suddenly I get up and walk
away leaving Jide sputtering and puckering his
lips like an indignant gold fish.
I wonder if you have grown weary of me, and the
thought of that scares me even though I won’t
admit it to myself. if I had it in me to fall in love,
it would certainly be with you but I know I’m too
damaged for that. Even I can’t figure out this
maze that is my heart , how then can you figure it
For some reason, I panic when I’m with you and
when I feel like I’m getting attached, I feel the
urge to run as fast as my legs can carry me. I’ve
always been the one to walk away, the one who
feels nothing and the one whose love is as elusive
as the Holy Grail. Yes, I keep ruining my
relationships and I’m unwilling to look further into
why I feel inclined to leave broken hearts in my
wake. She has a heart of stone, She has no heart at all, they say. Still they come in droves, each hoping to achieve
the seeming insurmountable task of thawing out
the Ice queen.
Cold hearted b***h!!! Yea, tell me something new.
I’ve been called that so many times I wouldn’t be
surprised to wake up one morning and discover it
was now a prefix to my name. Still the best form
of defence they say, is attack! Perhaps this is why
I always walk away. The need to inflict pain first
before I become the recipient.
I wonder why you have been willing to let me
waltz in and out of your life as many times as I
please. I sometimes wonder if you are not as
damaged, if not more than I am. Perhaps this is
what attracts us to one another, that burning
desire to fix the other and be the person who
finally wins this game…..
Or maybe I just got tired of feeling sorry for not measuring up to your love, tired of feeling inadequate, tired of being unable to match the intensity that comes with your heart. You refer to me as a woman who doesnt deserve your love; oh well, maybe you’re right…..or maybe you are just out of touch with reality, blind to the fact that it’s a cold world, and sensitive mushy people like you won’t get far around here. You have matured since the last time I came around, I give you that (even if you could use a fuller beard), but for someone who is “not reacting”, that was a really long piece. Yea, you in all your intellectual superiority feel that I don’t read literature. Well, as a matter of fact, I do….just not your sappy, moist write-ups.
My silent phone scornfully
reminds me that there is no ping from you. For
the first time in my life I’m truly afraid of losing,
losing what we have despite how fickle. I walked
away a short while ago and like the proverbial
bad penny, i had expected you to be at my beck
and call, willing to accept me should I come
knocking on your heart. There have been no texts from you, no calls to
turn a deaf ear to , no acknowledgment that you
are heart broken. I felt the relative indifference this time around though; you no longer whined when I ignored your calls and texts, neither did you go wailing and complaining to our mutual friends when I read your chats and deliberately refused to reply.
I wonder if I should throw
caution to the wind and take this plunge.
perhaps it is time I took a sledge hammer to this
wall protecting my heart and let you in. I fear
though that what you find most attractive about
me is the fact that i have remained an enigma, a
puzzle, one that you have yet to figure out…..
I didn’t start out the stone hearted woman. There
was once a girl with a heart that once dreamt of
a meeting of hearts, a joining of souls with
another, waltzing under the stars and living
happily ever after. I do not know her anymore.
She got lost in the pain of heartbreaks and
having to build a fortress around her heart..
I’m not ready to change who I am. Not yet. I love
this game we seem to play so well . I still have
plans to waltz back into your heart knowing that
there will always be a spot reserved for me.
I have an addiction and it’s you.
it’s like this craving I can’t get rid of.
An itch I can’t quite scratch.
You’re in my blood and no matter how many
times I walk away, how many ‘Jides’ I go with,
they will never be you.
No, I’m not ready for love
or commitment as they call it these days. I just
want to live in the moment and do what makes
For tonight, only for a few dark hours, I decide that I’m bored and I want
you back. I want to look into those soulful eyes
that peer into my core trying so hard to see what
lies beneath. I want to have you and delude
myself into thinking that we truly have what it
takes to be in love. Regardless of the fact that
it’s only for one night. Only for this evening
before the skeptic in me stirs and I need to leave
As I drive out of the restaurant’s garage, I look in
the rear view mirror. There’s Jide still looking
shocked. Shaking my head, I turn on the car
stereo still thinking of you. That’s because, strange as it sounds, I miss you. At the very least, I miss having you at my mercy, knowing that I can use your heart as a bowling ball any time.
And erm, I am not saying you should book an appointment with Dr. Azolibe….but you know….some of these sessions could have been a little better.
“Dont you think we oughta know by now
Dont you think we should have learned somehow?
Some things just dont ever work
Like trying to sip tea with a fork
Go cry about me, why dont you?
Pills and ropes are available too
It’s being fun controlling your mood
Though i cant be sure my exit is for good
(Jennifer Guinevre Obinna sees out her days as a lawyer in the banking sector, but you don’t want to know what goes on in her head when dusk sets in. She believes Art should imitate Life, and would rather dwell on real talk than fiction, treating you to her random thoughts as well. You can catch up her recipe at http://jenniferogechukwuobinna.wordpress.com.