The Carry-Over

imagessil

 

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon, with much for Felix to look forward to. His boss had decided to be nice and not rob him of his weekend by summoning him to the office, his favourite football club (Chelsea) was featuring in an English FA Cup game in which they were favourites to win (they had been pitched against a club in the lower divisions), and Omoye, his girlfriend of eight months, was cooking up a delicacy, in a bid to save the pots in his house from loneliness.

Felix had been through his fair share of “trials and errors”, but after a great deal of scouting, he was somewhat convinced that Omoye was the one. She was quite the dream girl: beautiful, courteous, great sense of humour, laudable hygiene levels, busty without the excess flesh. Damn, even his friends loved her, to the extent that they ‘scolded’ him whenever he hung out with them without bringing her along. She knew how to get physical with a man too; she was an acrobat in the sheets, the sounds she made whenever his hands collided with her skin were all so stimulating, and she treated his little friend like an ice cream cone whenever she got her lips round it. She tasted good on his tongue too, and her fragrance was such that often left him reluctant to wash his sheets after she departed.

Felix was so into her that he had been indefinitely suspended from Bachelors’ Anonymous. It mattered little to him though. After lots of ‘emotional frisking’, he had found the rib, the last right angle to make his life a complete 360 degrees. He had plans of taking her to his mother in the coming weeks, and then visiting her family so soon thereafter. This weekend however, he wanted private acting classes with Omoye (she was a first-class graduate of Theatre Arts.) He had changed the bed-clothes, and looked forward to a thrilling ‘rehearsal’ once he was done with the Chelsea game and Omoye’s cuisine. Though he had eaten at her place, this would be the first time she would be cooking at his.

“Hey lovey, how is it going?”

“Be patient Honey, I’m halfway through”.

That voice of hers. The way the word “Honey” sounded in his ears had almost begun to create a bulge in his shorts. He suddenly began to crave for Omoye’s voice and skin, itching to hear her from a much closer range. He began to tiptoe towards the kitchen, with the aim of sneaking up to her, then tickling her and kissing her from behind. He was almost at the kitchen door when he began to hear voices. He was stunned. No one else was home. Who could Omoye be talking to? He placed his ear near the door and listened closely.

“Mummy, I have boiled the meat as you instructed, for fifteen minutes. I have also sliced the vegetable. What do I do now? Mummy! Mummy o! My boyfriend is already asking for the food o!”

“Ok, now put some palm oil in the pot and let it bleach.”

“Ok Mummy, what next?”

He could not believe his ears. His girlfriend was taking cooking lessons from her mother over the phone, with the call on loudspeaker mode! Why, why had he not noticed all along that Omoye was deficient in Kitchen 101 (Introduction to Cooking Dynamics)? It was then that he realized why she had been hesitant when he told her that she would be cooking soup that weekend, why she had looked very uneasy when he left her in the kitchen, and why the Indomie Instant Noodles he ate at her place a few weeks earlier had tasted too salty.

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He walked stealthily into the kitchen, standing a few inches from the door as the cooking instructions continued. The bulge in his shorts had long gone down, and every word from the conversation stung his ears. A lady, a graduate for that matter, needing her mother to intervene because she was inadequate in the culinary department! He wondered what would happen if they got married. She would either have to call her mother whenever he wanted to eat, or alternatively, she would take the feeding allowance to restaurants so she could buy food, stash in coolers and pour into the pot before he returned home. He was incensed, but tried not to show it.

Omoye soon noticed Felix’s presence in the kitchen. The phone fell from her hand as she stood transfixed to one spot, barely managing to utter a shaky “hey Baby”. The silence that followed was awkward, lasting for nearly ten minutes.

“Go on, call your mother. It should be time for the next step. She must be worried about how her dear daughter’s wonderful delicacy is shaping up”, Felix said, finally breaking the ice.

Omoye did not bother to go on with the cooking. It was clear to see that Felix had lost his appetite. He walked out of the kitchen and into the living room, looking at the television to find that Chelsea had lost the match by four goals to two, ultimately getting knocked out of the FA Cup. “Wasn’t this just a perfect weekend?” he mused. He scrambled for his car keys on the table and stormed out of the house, returning at 9.30pm with Orijin on his breath.

The night was a long one, particularly for Omoye. Felix showered without her for the first time in months, and elected to sleep with his back turned to her. Omoye tried to tickle his skin with her hair, but his reaction was to shift farther from her. She then proceeded to slip her fingers into his underwear, but the man who was usually quick to lead her down there decided to push her hand away on this particular night. She then decided to resort to the age-long tactic: Tears.

“Omoye, why are you crying now, ehn?” He asked, in a tone devoid of any form of passion or affection.

“My baby won’t touch me or even talk to me”, she replied, as the attention-seeking tears dried up.

“Errm, Omoye, see, I am fasting, ok?”

“You, Felix, fasting? Didn’t you just come back from a drinking spree?”

Well, this particular fasting involves avoiding any form of intimacy.”

“But we were together in the bathroom this morning, weren’t we?”

“Well I just got the information this afternoon. I got a text from my Pastor.”

“Pastor? Since when? The Felix I know is never quick to attend church, let alone become familiar with a Pastor.”

“Look, Omoye, as you can see, I’m just not in the mood. You know this.”

“But Baby, I shaved our ‘little house’ clean. I did some waxing, just for you, so you could eat me out this weekend, all weekend.”

“Which part of ‘I nor wan just dey with you this night’ can you not understand?”

That was it. She turned her back to him and dozed off in anger, while he looked up to his ceiling, getting lost in thought. His discovery earlier in the day was heartbreaking. For him, it was not just the fact that she couldn’t cook to save her life. It was more about the fact that she had been deceiving him all along. Save for the salty noodles which she made in his presence, the meals he ate at her place must have been prepared by a friend of hers, or worse still purchased from a canteen before his arrival. How long did she plan to continue with this lie? How long did she plan to make long calls to her mother whenever he demanded for meals on the spot? What skill did she plan to hand down to the kids, supposing he had decided to take her to the altar? Well, the events of that day had put paid to all future plans. He wouldn’t have minded putting her in catering school, he loved her that much, but she had not been honest. Only Heaven knew what other secrets she had been keeping from him.

Felix was up before 7am the following morning. He tapped a sleepy Omoye, without the customary “good morning beautiful”, and said:

“Omoye, go take a shower and get dressed. I’m dropping you off this morning. I want to go to church today.”

“But we usually chill together until Monday. Sometimes you even beg me to stay until Tuesday. Why this, Felix? What on earth has come over you?”

“Well, plans change. I decided to summarise your visit, so you’re leaving this morning……and by the way, feel free to drop that spare key I gave you. It will be useless anyway. I’ll be changing the locks.”

“Baby, I’m sorry. I was too ashamed to tell you that I don’t know how to cook. Next time I will…..”

“Omoye, there will be no next time.”

It was a long silent ride to the park. Felix usually dropped Omoye off at her place, but he was in no frame of mind to do that, so he opted to take her to where she could conveniently find a cab. There was no need to say much anyway. They both knew that it was all over. Anger was etched all over Omoye’s face, but her mood did not prevent her from taking the naira notes which Felix slipped into her fingers. Upon arriving at the park, she alighted without waiting for the car to stop properly, uttering an emotionless “Bye” as she walked away.

Felix stared deeply as he watched her leave for the last time. He would definitely those hips, those moans, those nails digging into his back, but there was more to a woman than all that. Wouldn’t he eat after all the ‘exercises’? For him, he had just dodged a bullet. She may have bagged a First Class at the university, but she definitely had a carry-over to deal with, in a course her mother had failed to teach her in her formative years.

He put his car in reverse and drove back to his apartment. Yes, he had lied about going to church. He decided to check his Samsung Galaxy S5 for any Blackberry messages. He saw one – from Omoye! She had sent a kiss smiley, and followed it up with the words, “This is the last kiss you will get from me.” It seemed that she had been waiting for him to read it, for no sooner had he seen the message than she ejected herself from his contact list. She was gone before he could type a reply. It felt like rapture. He shrugged, stepping his foot harder on the throttle as he reflected on the wise words of Mahatma Gandhi, who had said thus:

“By all means marry, and in your marrying, find a woman who can cook. Beauty is fleeting, and it fades, but Hunger doesn’t.”

 

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58 responses to “The Carry-Over

  1. heheheheheheehehehhe
    ok, that’s not nice, can’t help the laughter though. i don’t believe every woman has to be a super(wo)man in the kitchen, but i don’t stand for hiding things like this, especially from a boyfriend or husband-to-be as the case may be. infact let him know before you start getting freaky with each other, it saves from wasting emotional investments nau.

    but on second thoughts, the speed at which she deleted the dude makes me suspicious joor. well done

    • At last she accepts the name i gave her….kikikikikiki.

      Yea, she may have meant well, but Felix was about to take things further….and her inability to stay open was her undoing.

      And as for the way she deleted him…..well, who knows? Some people just like to cut off as soon as possible, whether or not there is plan B

  2. Beauty means nothing to me if I am not well and happily fed. A hungry man is an angry man. Ladies pls learn to cook like your mothers and not to drink like your fathers. Thanks Mr Jerry, for this wonderfull piece, most especially as it concerns food.

    • I’m in total agreement with you fa. Nawa for that felix. Ahn ahn. So much for all the “baby”, “honey” “sweetim” etc

    • #word

      Dude is shallow. The only reason I could excuse what he did is probably because she kept it a secret. People learn to cook a meal in one hour. It’s really no biggie, she could be taught.
      The definition of love is what is faulty with Felix. A lady has to be perfect before you love her? Crap!

      Thanks Jerry for sharing.

      • Not perfect….but honest at least. Felix was actually thinking in the long-term, weighing the cost of marrying a girl who cant cook, and who is also secretive in nature.

        Thanks for stopping by,,Ifekleva.

      • i agree with K and Ife…d dude only loves d “idea” of her…yeah..she lied…i get it…buh he clda forgiven her wv a promise of learning how to cook frm her nah…it does not take forever to learn if u rili wanna learn……but wait o,he wan talk say he neva lie giv her bfor??….tah!!!!….i no bliv….looool
        P.S iont support dir relationship tho…. wv all d cookie wey dem bin dey share around unlawfully??…nah!!!…nt my kinda fantasy abeg..lol
        Nice piece Jerry!..u write so well!!!!
        tnx for tagging moi*

      • The cookie matter is a personal thing, inasmuch as the Bible has something to say about all that….

        About the tag, anytime, Miss. Expect more. Glad u found it readable

      • Not being able to cook is the stupidest reason for you not to marry someone. If she can’t cook, you also can’t cook? Biko, people have hidden worse, actual secrets and are happily married. At least she was making an effort to learn. Biko. There’s more to marriage than a filled stomach. I’ve told several guys. If youre marrying me for some domestic reason, then youre alone. Please marry for the actual right reasons. Every other detail is an added advantage you should be grateful for and not feel entitled to.

  3. Hmmmmm….so this is what I would have missed since you elected not to tag me. Well…guess what? Your plan faiIed… saw a flash of it on Facebook, quickly opened the link, I read and revelled every second of it. Lol.
    Jerry, if there’s somthing I can’t take away from you – it’s definitely your creative imagination. It was so real that I could see, smell and touch the scenes. Good one, man!
    On a lighter note, that Felix guy na idiot. The guy too overeat joor!

    • Uncle Tee, nor vex,,it was an oversight…..though i believe that it must have been easy for you to find. *sheepish smile*

      As for Felix, he may have overreacted…..but this is marriage we are talking about o! Ahn, should he eat Mama Put for the rest of his life?

  4. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    This one is gidi gan o!!!!!!!!!!!! Kai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I cannot to laff abeg Jerry! Chai!!!!!!!!
    It’s pure shame when a lady can’t cook.
    But then, what can I say? It’s either they
    refused to learn, or didn’t see someone to
    teach them. I remembered a lady that used
    16 cubes of maggi to cook 3 cups of rice.
    Yet, we didn’t even perceive d aroma of the
    Maggi or the salt! It was that bad.
    Wonderful piece Jerry, keep it up.

  5. Abeg abeg abegi! Dis Felix boy should park somewhere joo! So if his friends ask “how far? How omoye na”, he would open his mouth and say “oh boy, we don break up o, she nor sabi cook”
    Seriously? If he actually loves her, he would find someone to teach her like Mr fash up there said. Granted, she lied, I don’t approve, but still, 8 months, *poof* just like dat because she noh sabi cook? Tah!
    What would love do? Forgive, forget, move on and help her learn. She would forever be grateful that he took time out to teach her or get someone who would; who knows, she JƱڪτ̲̅ myt become a badass chef in d nearest future.
    I say sure d nonsense Felix sef noh sabi cook o. (˘̯˘ )
    Guys sef, na una sabi. If she noh fine, problem, she noh sabi cook, trouble, she no know the ropes for bed, serious gobe, yet all of una go dey shout, “nobody is perfect, we aren’t asking for a perfect woman” naso! Story for the gods.
    All of una be looking for kim K-michelle obama-olivia pope all wrapped up in one. Sheesh!
    Okay, I don rant finish, b4 jerry go chase me comot.
    In other news, jerry, please gimme Felix’s number jare, me I sabi cook wella. Lol!

    Awesome read as usual, thumbs up Jer.

    • Errhn, come see me first, then i go assess you, before i go kon direct you go Felix…..hihihihi.

      But you may want to calm down sha…..i believe Felix had his reasons. He did not want to live a lie. Yes, he may have overreacted, but what if he had not discovered? How long would Omoye had continued with her deceit?

      • Abegi! He doesn’t want to live a lie for where? She later told him the “truth”, she was ashamed and too embarrassed to tell him she doesn’t know how to cook. One should even commend her for trying, @ least, she was asking her mum for what to do, if she did not want to please him, she would not have tried in the first place. What if they were married? He would chase her out abi? Or What if she can cook and her food isn’t tasty? He would marry a 2nd wife? Gimme a break joo.
        The fact remains dat d type of society we are in wants a lady to be perfect and its unfair on females.
        As for how long the deceit would have continued if he dint find out, if his love is not blind, he would in one way or the other definately get to know before the wedding. People show you who they are upfront, whether or not you choose to see it is up to you.
        As oga felix noh dey go church sef, I take it he hasn’t read 1st corinthians 13. If he really loves her, he would think of ways to make her a better person. Teaching her how to cook is not rocket science as long as she’s willing to learn. If u like a house and its not attractive enuf, and u have the resources, then u renovate it and furnish it to ur taste. Same theory applies to dis issue. Shikena!

        Bdw, What is ur own nau? Are u oga felix’s P.A ni? Gimme number joo. Lmao

      • I can’t help but agree with you Victoria. In a society where the male are the dominant specie, what should we expect from Felix? And like you rightly said, I doubt if he trully love Omoye. I guess it was only the ‘Lessons’ ‘rehearsals’ and ‘actions’ between the sheet that he cares about. Although I don’t support Omoye’s deceit, but it hasn’t get to the extent of breaking up with her. There are many females out there who doesn’t know how to cook, yet their hubby didn’t send them out.

      • He wanted to take her to his mother o….you dont plan to take a girl to mama if all you care about is the ‘acrobatics’. There are many ways to get ‘exercise’, you dont even have to date to do that

      • Then his love isn’t strong enough since he broke it up on the ground of not being a good cook!

  6. for where, did you notice the question marks ?

    was he really ready to take it further? i really don’t think so. you know when you think you like something simply because you don’t have it yet? when you face challenges in getting it, you give up easily. even if she was a good cook, i am almost sure three, four years down the line, they would still not be married. it just seemed a pretty concept to him, in my opinion.

  7. on top d heartwrenching discovery say felix dream girl no sabi tke care of man middle belt plus dey hide am on top, chelsea come still fuckup against bradford city..d whole anger must done mke omo boy breakup…lmao

  8. LOL! Seriously, Omoye has a very rare combination! I mean, if she has all the features and abilities, save the culinary skills, she has tried! Biko, she has! I guess she kept it a secret ‘cuz it’s embarrassing… nothing else really suggests deception.

    So, what if she can deliver a top-notch buffet in 1hour but bores and gives Felix migraine in bed and falters in savoir faire?

    No one is near-perfect (Felix himself could be a chronic snorer, potential wife-beater or likely to “sire” a huge pot belly in another 8months). Omoye’s flaw is minuscle; Bobo kinda lost, I think. All he needed to do was to invest in her by helping her hone the skills. Win-win. That’s all!

    Pretty hilarious piece.

    PS: Please Jerry, where’s Omoye? Er…erm… I can be her Felix. A better Felix. 🙂

  9. Oh my bliss! Is that the end? Do tell me there’s a sequel. Pretty please, let there be! Gah, this piece is one hilarious detail and sad too. I wish it didn’t have to end that way.

    And that quote? Hahahah.

    Welldone Chi!! 😀

  10. Enjoyed reading it but must confess that I see felix as being very shallow. Dude looks like someone who can’t boil indomie and is going ballistic on the babe cos she no sabi cook. If that’s the only flaw my future wife has, I wud be a very happy guy. I can cook, there are lots of catering schools and d gals mom seems to be a good cook so she could teach her(omoye). I don’t blame d gal for hiding it, most people wud do d same. Besides, carry over no mean say dem go pursue u comot from ur dept for school, lolz. Looking forward to more B Anon series

  11. Chi, hop it was’nt on Val weekend…!!!
    She shuld v’e just said “Baby am sorri” wen she notice his present. And keep sayin it al nite

  12. Lol, its Omoye that has dodged a bullet there. Who wants a fickle man like that biko? I’m just pissed. To the writer, this is my first time here, but I’ll say this anyways. You’re a writer, you’re supposed to fix society’s issues with your pen. This article does not. Cooking is a non issue. Was she a cheat? An abusive woman? Disrespectful? Please let’s not overblow the petty things in a marriage. You’ll leave a good woman because she can’t cook and marry Jezebel who can work wonders in the kitchen. The days of gender defined roles are long gone, and issues like this are discussed. There’s nothing wrong with eating out. I know families who do it a lot and are very happy. I know a close relative who’s wife couldn’t cook for the most part of their marriage. But, they’re still happily married. Those ones are focused on the relevant issues of marriage.

    Sorry for the long epistle (I have more to say though), but it irks me when I see things like this.

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